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“Hey. I tell you what is. Big city, hmm? Live. Work, huh? But. Is not city open? Only peoples. Peoples is peoples. No is buildings. Is tomatoes, huh? Is peoples, is dancing, is music, is potatoes! So, peoples is peoples. Okay?”

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Writing, Adapted Screenplay: This one is a tough category but I think it comes down to Social Network and True Grit. I’m going to go with The Social Network here because people still haven’t shut up about how good the writing in this is.  Although my heart would vote for Toy Story 3.

Writing, Original Screenplay: I’m going with some indie love on this one, The Kids Are Alright.

Documentary Feature: It has to be Banksy. Exit Through The Gift Shop.

Documentary Short: Disclaimer: I’ve not seen any of these. Poster Girl.

Animated Feature Film: Toy Story 3. Admit it, you’re getting teary eyed just thinking of this moive. This movie was amazing and made me believe in trilogies again. Perfect film, they even gave it a best picture nomination to let everyone know they thought this film was legit. I wish it could win best picture but I think  people’s heads would start exploding in the audience if this happened.

Short Film, Animated: Day & Night. I almost left the theatre after seeing the animated short before Toy Story 3 because I was worried the feature couldn’t top it. This short was incredible and made me want to punch myself in the face for the fact that I’ll probably never in my life write something as good as that animated short. I love you Pixar, you amazing jerks.

Short Film, Live Action: I haven’t picked a crazy foriegn sounding dark horse yet, Na Wewe. Speaking of foriegn…

Foreign Film: Bitiful.

Actress in a Supporting Role: I gotta give mad props to Haliee Steinfeld. She was great in True Grit. I don’t get why she get’s the title of supporting actress though because the movie was about her. Maybe they put her in the category so she could win it.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Christian Bale. How much drugs do you think Bale did for The Fighter? Answer: as much as necessary to nail a realistic performance.

Music, Original Score: Everyone wants Social Network to win. But I’m guessing that was the Academy patting Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross on the back and they’ll go more traditional. Inception.

Music, Original Song: We Belong Together, Randy Newman. Have you stopped getting teary eyed from the last time I mentioned Toy Story 3 or are you still misty?

Let’s knock out the effects dept. here.

Makeup: The Wolfman.

Visual Effects: Inception.

Sound Editing: Tron Legacy.

Sound Mixing: Inception. Let’s continue with the awards most people don’t understand or care about…

Art Direction: Alice In Wonderland.

Costume Design: The King’s Speech.

Cinematography: Black Swan. What a beautiful film.

Best Actress: Natalie Portman. Is she over-rated or under-rated. Nobody really knows. She’s becoming this decade’s Jude Law with all the movies she’s in. I swear she’s in 2 out of 3 trailers I see in theatres. She’s amazing in Black Swan. Yeah, she’s Natalie Portman and now we expect greatness out of her but that performance was amazing.

Best Actor: Ok. Javier Bardem is a dark horse here but I wouldn’t bet on it. Franco’s hosting the show so I don’t think it can be him. (Although if he does win I want him to present himself the award and then exit, come back on the stage and then make jokes about himself and the experience just be really strange and unnerving.) I like Jesse Eisenberg, but there’s no way he’s winning. He’s like the dramatic version of Michael Cera. I don’t see him winning. Which leaves Jeff Bridges and Colin Firth. I’m not a huge fan of Firth but I think Bridges is going to have points deducted for strange CGI acting in Tron. I’ll take Firth.

Directing: This category is loaded. I would pick Toy Story 3 here if I could but I’ll go with Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan.

Best Picture: Toy Story 3. I’m half serious but there’s no way. This is a three horse race between Black Swan, Social Network and True Grit. I don’t feel like it’s the Cohen Brother’s year this time around. I loved True Grit but I think the sexy pick would be one of the other two. I’m going to go with Social Network because Aronofsky got best director. Yes, there’s even politics at work in hypothetical Oscar winners.

*Don’t ever gamble on what I say. When I say I’m putting money on something it usually means I’m betting Matt Lusk a bite of his yogurt parfait.

Children describing movies is always awesome.

One of the participants of the AV Swap, Composer R.A. Gori’s take.

And the original, light hearted version.

Loud alarms only masks your screams from the neighbors!