I have a friend that likes to poop in other people’s houses. Now let me clarify two things: 1. He is not a dog, nor an animal.2. He doesn’t poop anywhere. (That would just be disgusting.) He actually uses the toilet. I get a good chuckle when I’m sitting on my friend’s couch, sipping on my drink and conversating at a small get-together when my friend comes from behind a foreign corner and announces, “I just dropped a deuce in your house. HAHA!” Then he will usually precede to hi-five the nearest person. And this poor schmuck, the recipient of the unwarranted hand slap, is very confused as to what just happened and unconsciously raises his/her hand. Immediately afterwards the poor soul feels dirty, as if they had assisted in the pooping. Their face is full of regret, much like a young girl the day after prom night. Thoughts running through their head, “it all happened so fast, I didn’t have time to think, it was just hanging out there and I didn’t know what to do!” But back to my friend who makes feces. By this time he is probably yelling, “Woo!” Most likely a couple of times, perhaps he will be inclined to do a victory dance of sorts until people are no longer disgusted and are just amused. All of a sudden he is the life of the party. Because he pooped. My friend is not some sort of weirdo. In fact he is a charming person. He doesn’t do disgusting things—at least on a regular basis. He is very personable, has a good humor and usually makes friends quicker than myself. As for myself, I—like the majority of people…according to me—do not find pleasure in laying waste at my friend’s place. I mean, maybe if its just the two of us, but that’s still weird. You interrupt your conversation and excuse yourself. Ten minutes later you emerge and your friend asks you where you’ve been…awkward. In a way, I envy my friend. He lives in a world in which not only is it permissible; nay it is beneficial to announce one’s bowel movements. While I have a huge hesitancy to have a public bowel movement. What makes him so special? Why does he get to poop so freely? Is there something wrong with me? I’ve seen him do this often and the worst thing that has ever happened to him is once someone called him gross. I worry that people will shake their heads and begin to murmur whilst I try to use their facilities. I would be trying to make use of the commode just thinking about what other people were saying about me while I’m in the W.C. The second I get out of the lavatory they will treat me like a social outcast, some sort of sick pervert, a leper. Short eyes. I badly wish to poop in one of my friend’s house. Sometimes it would be amazing to just let go of all my troubles and lay my burdens down. Ah! To be like my friend, who obviously didn’t have a mother like mine. Who raised me correctly in the eyes of our society. However, now I suffer from crippling fears of public pooping. (And as I have clarified not pooping for an audience but merely using the restroom of a friend.) What is wrong with our society? Damn us for not embracing things that make us human and natural! Maybe one day no one will live in fear of being shunned for bowel movements. It’s the society I dream of. Obama’s in office and change is on the way. So have hope my fellow sufferers. Until then, we can only wish we had the seemly gross however wonderfully progressive pooping morals of my friend, Salvador Eddie Chevez.

This story was lucky enough to be part of BooTown’s Grown Up Storytime Series.

Tonight at Rudz, two of my stories are going to be read! It’s going to be tiz-ight!

Come one and come all to see me host the 23nd Grown Up Storytime. It’s like a beatnik poetry reading meets Saturday Night Live. Only $5 gets you entertainment.

What’s Boo Town‘s Grown Up Storytime? People write stories and send them into Boo Town. Boo Town then goes and finds comedians or actors and hands them the stories. What happens with the story after the performer receives the story is always a mystery. There are no rules so it’s always unpredictable, live and fun.